The 1st Annual “Women Tell All” Bachelor Draft

by Kevin (@kpluswax) and Brendan (@the_real_borw)

For the final two Section 925 Bachelor Pods of the season, we decided to have the 415 crew discuss the semi-final, with 212 closing out the season after the final rose. However, we had to decide who would cover the Women Tell All (#WTA) episode in the middle. Hosts Kevin (212) and Brendan (415) thought it made sense to split up the contestants: half will be covered on the 415 pod, half on the 212 pod. The only civil way to pick teams, obviously, is to have a good old fashioned draft. The rules are simple: you can only discuss (at length) those women drafted to your team. Rule number two: Chris Harrison is All Time QB so both pods get to discuss him. Here’s how the action unfolded via email:

Basic StrategyKevin: I think the strategy here is to grab best available early and hope to catch lightning in a bottle later. The top of this draft class has a good 3-6 camera-and-America-at-large-friendly gals, but then again how long is this episode? Are they all going to get that much time? Is there enough film to go around? I'm going to think long and hard before using a top pick on an introvert or someone who is really butthurt and may not be willing to talk about it on air.

In later rounds I think you look for a couple things: a) Girls with an axe to grind. Come clean vs. a certain girl? Call out Sean for something weird? Complain about how hard it is? (think Jenna the NY Blogger) b) Girls who love booze (Blakeley) c) Those who want to join the Bachelor Pad crew, so they are here to make a splash (think Guard And Protect Your Heart) d) Girls who felt slighted and misrepresented so want to set the record straight no matter what question Chris asks (Michelle Money) e) Unfortunately this isn't usually the case for Women Tell All as much as it is for Men Tell All, but the guy who's in LA and just wants to get it in before returning to his pathetic real life. There is a live studio audience of 23-29 year old girls behind you hanging on every word because you're "famous". (Think Craig from Allie's season)

Brendan: Assembling a WTA squad is much like assembling a band, you need all the components to mix fluidly to produce sweet baby-makin' music. Too much lead vocal and you're Skid Row, too much hair and you're Warrant, too much cocaine and you're a creepy old Neil Diamond in a baby blue suit singing about cars as they drive by. (Puts on Lou Pearlman shades).

THE DRAFT

#1 Pick, Team 415

Brendan:AshLee. Our lead singer and centerpiece of the band. Bringing vocals fit with a fury of rage that haven’t been seen since Joan Jett. Added bonus that DEATH-STARE LASERS will be shooting from her eyes for visual effects. I can't think of a better walk off performance than hers in Thailand. All the emotion throughout the season, the emotional video she can't even finish. Then what do we get as an encore? COLD BLOOD.

Kevin: *cough* Sam Bowie *cough* She has all the measurables for a top pick: emotional exit, America's support, WIDE open wounds still, potential for full-court press Bachelorette campaign, the list goes on really. But I just don't know. Something about that exit leaves me worried about her mental state for WTA. I'm not sure if shes ready to open back up, even for Chris Harrison. Stop me if you've heard this before but Ash......Lee has abandonment issues. Unlikely, but could be a dud.

#2 Pick, Team 212

Kevin:Desiree: This is a no brainer and I honestly can't believe she fell to us. Team 415 made the same mistake that Sean has made all season: they took Dez for granted and didn't realize it until she was already gone forever. She'll be a great anchor to our squad because a) she's a babe #banginbangs and @liztomania12 and @mgrebby could fill a whole pod talking about her outfits; b) she will be all over the broadcast- I think she gets at least a full segment in the hot seat, if not more; c) she is very low "no show" risk because she lives in LA; and d) I can't wait to hear her throw her maniac brother under the bus. She may even get catty with some of the other chicks- we saw her hating on Amanda at times and I think she resented Kacie B.

Brendan: Looks like we're going to have to put a shock collar on Devin to go off every time Dez is mentioned. Dude is gonna have worse hair than Kacie B. by the end of the podcast. 415 is more than happy to pass Dez's remains to 212. We covered the historic Hometown fail and rubbed salt in the wounds when Steph beat her in the "Who Wore It Best" poll.

#3 Pick, Team 415

Brendan: Tierra. Sure, she showed up out of shape for the combine, scored low on the wonderlic test, and displayed a Tierrable vertical leap jumping into the freezing water in Canada, but by-golly does she come to play when the lights come on. She's going to be in the the thick of the cattiness throughout the program and there will no doubt be a tremendous montage of her antics from the season. We also get to cover her recent engagement, which could very well be a divorce by now. Also, clear front runner for "Most likely to parlay her act on the show to a pathetic one-and-done reality show." She's the Animal from the Muppets in our band. Tries to be the center of attention by overcompensating with dramatics and flair, which always leads to a blow up (in this case, a drum set blowing up). Compelling theatre.

Kevin: I meant to mention this a long time ago, but I knew Tierra was trouble when she walked in.  That being said, insanely good value at 3. Strong pick. Looked at her with the two spot but decided to go chalk with Dez for obvious reasons. It was pretty simple, this is a podcast draft and talking about Dez makes me happy, whereas talking about Tierra makes me frustrated and sad. Judges, does the Tierra pick include her fiancé? If there was ever a contestant to bring his/her fiancé on WTA/MTA it's Tierra. Credit to @jphunsucker: if she were to have a reality show, it would be called "Toddlers and Tierra" where she would teach little girls how to maintain their sparkle. She'll get good burn and hopefully start some beef. Safe pick. Good value.

#4 Pick, Team 212

Kevin:Lesley, much to the chagrin of Wright brothers everywhere. There's a real no-show risk here if she decided to get her life back on track and resume her I-swear-its-not-a-BS-job political consultant job. However, if I know Lesley, I think she's making a push to be the next Bachelorette. She left a ton of room for improvement (open up/show emotion/tough nut to crack/blah blah) on the table on her last few dates so ABC has to be swooning over and the Ben F-esque metamorphosis potential for next season. If she's making that push, she could easily have top pick potential. Then again, those same signs that point to "leaving room for improvement to be on Bachelorette" could also mean "I actually don't even like Sean that much", so I suppose its possible that she just shows up, looks good and parties in LA with her bestiez.

Brendan: If it's just street-clothes-Lesley, I’m fine with taking a pass for most of the reasons you mentioned above. She was way "too close to the vest" all season and either a) let the camera get the better of her or b) really didn't have any connection with Sean. Agree that she is in the running for potential Bachelorette (415 will cover this in greater detail on the podcast) as she walks the same line as Emily, room for growth and cult-like following. Now if it is Lesley-IN-A-BIKINI (?!!!). I’d go Ricky Williams and throw all our picks at you just for her.

Pick #5, Team 415

Brendan: Picking Sarah and relieving @mgrebby at the same time. We need some emotional balance on our team as we already have two crazies in the starting lineup. She's going to get a ton of time about the heartbreak of finding a guy with her disfigurement (please tell me that was PC). On the other hand (please tell me that was PC), she was heartbroken and thoroughly embarrassed when being sent home, so she has some potential of no-show here, but it's a risk I'm willing to take.

She's also, of course, the drummer in our Def Leppard tribute band/Comedy Troupe "Foolin'"

Kevin: You know I would have wanted Sarah on my squad, but you hit the nail on the head. My guests would have been walking on eggshells for 45-50 minutes with her looming. For the listeners sake, good pick. Also a shrewd move from 415. She'll get camera time after her gut wrenching exit, I can promise that. All Time Q Chris Harrison was put on this earth for the "lets get serious, put aside personal vendettas and talk to America's sweetheart" segments. Not sure if its more than 3-5 minutes but it'll be good TV. Worried about @TheRealReno and @HerroSteph here. Keep that mute button close.

On Lesley, she will likely be in a cocktail dress, so I assume your "Noah's-Ark-two-of-everything-for-Lesley-In-A-Bikini” trade offer is off the table. Frankly, I'm not interested anyway. She's a bookend to Dez and we can really build a pod around her, bikini or not. You mention that you'll cover something about Lesley on the 415 pod? Last I checked, 212 has her rights and she's not for sale. Reminder, you can't say more that a couple words about the girls who you don't draft. THAT BEING SAID, 212 is staring at Daniella as one of our top 2-3 "best available" here on the board. Adam Schefter just tweeted that 415 is dying to get her on their pod. How bad do you want my #3 pick for your girl Daniella?

Pick #6, Team 212 ***Traded to Team 415****

Brendan: [Looks around for mole in draft room]

Daniella aka Bin 38. Kudos to you for knowing our team's weakness. You could hear the collective sigh from the 415 Faithful if we didn't get her. We'll give you picks 7 and 11 and throw in compensatory pick to be named later and the rights to Bison Dele for the sixth pick (Bin 38) and pick 12. You talk about high potential for some boozy rambling and foot in mouth moments, look no further than Bin 38. I swear she is going to demand a cup holder for her chair.  She already provided an impressive Chris Harrison impersonation, now she's going to go full Kathie Lee.

She's the bassist in our band, dare I say Tina Weymouth of Talking Heads reincarnated? Unappreciated, but kept everything in rhythm with moments of emotion and hilarity.

Also buying her odds at 2 to 1 for an up-skirt moment.

Pick #7 and #8, Team 212 ***Per Trade***

Kevin: [frantically typing as fast as possible]

DEAL.

212 takes Selma and Kacie B.

[Tiger Woods fist pump] [catches breath]

This is an absolute haul for 212. In a top-heavy draft I think we just traded a sure-fire solid second-tier talent with limited upside (Andy Dalton) for the last two remaining first-tier-or-bust potentials (Kaep/Brady or Mallett?). Selma will either be openly and aggressively campaigning for a spot on Bachelor Pad or wearing a burqa. Kacie B will either be a camera hog because she thinks she has a shot at love on the Bachelorette next season (she doesn't) or will be in Tennessee eating a gallon of Ben & Jerry's.  At this stage in the draft, we need to get to the plate and take some at-bats. Their collective upside is just too great to not make that trade.

Brendan: Devin and I are going to have a real Hatfields and McCoys situation over missing out on Kacie B. Watch out for friendly fire on Union St. I really like both of those high ceiling picks. Reading the tea leaves (aka tabloids) it looks like Selma has gone down the rabbit hole of D list reality celebrity. You then have the veteran presence of Kacie B who can't help but stick her finger into each and every spat and light socket, judging by that hair...

Pick #9, Team 415

Brendan: First sleeper pick is coming in at #9. Robyn. She was the first one to openly go after Tierra and I expect more of the same on WTA, so we get a nice one-two combo here with our picks.

Also, is she the long lost sista of En Vogue? She could rock a sweet leather baseball hat and earpiece mic set for my band any day.

Kevin: Another value pick for 415. You know she'll get camera time because she talked a mess about Tierra on the way out. However all the "do you like black chicks" stuff might get swept under the rug for the mega superficial camp firey WTA episode. All Time Q Chris Harrison is a cagey Hollywood vet and he knows better than to confront serious societal issues in WTA.

Pick #10 and #11 ***Per Trade***

Kevin: With 212's next set of back to back picks, we select a regular model and a fit model. Welcome to the squad, Kristy and Amanda. A couple of relatively predictable babes to compliment the volatility of the rest of the squad. I doubt either of them goes comment-less and I see a bit of camera time upside for both: Kristy is hot and charismatic and determined to get the F out of Milwaukee, whether its through Bachelor Pad or by furthering her modeling career in LA.... or by (hopefully) "paying for college" by getting a well-paying, fun job in LA that lets her really express herself, ya know? Amanda is a cold-blooded assassin who could have been a lightning rod/contender for another few weeks if she actually liked Sean. She either sits there looking bored to death or comes out guns blazing defending herself and the way the camera/producers/other girls/society at large portrayed her.

Brendan: Wow, I am shocked that you are taking a pass on YOUR GIRL "Lisa" Leslie for the dud, albeit best dressed, Amanda. Her soulless body was never in it from the get-go. High no-show potential there. You're making up for it with the Kristy pick. I really thought she was going to be the AshLee of the show. Hangs around on good looks, conservative game plan, then makes a late emotional push into the Fantasy Suites.

Picks #12 and #13 ***Per Trade***

Brendan: With our set of back-to-back picks, we are taking Ashley P aka 69 Shades of Grey and "Lisa" Leslie. Ashley has a high no-show potential as she could very well be a bottle of gewurztraminer deep in her bathtub at the Marriott, reading you-know-what and doing you-know-what. But if she shows up? ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. All I want to know from Leslie is a) why she gave back the necklace from the one-on-one and b) if she can be a back up singer/dancer in my band.

Oh and keeping with my band theme: Ashley P is definitely that artist in the Heal The World studio recording with no headset, visibly drunk, hogging someone else’s mic, and singing way too loud.

Kevin: On my Big Board, Lisa Leslie was the last quality pick before we get into the Hail Marys.  But 212 covered Lisa Leslie at length in a previous pod, so we decided to let her walk in free agency.  Seems like 415 scouts did their homework, went to some pro days, studied tape and may have caught a Jason Taylor in the middle rounds with Ashley P aka #69SoG.  Who knows if she's alive or out of prison, but if she is, could be a nice pickup.

Pick #14, Team 212

Kevin:Jackie.  It's no secret that I like Jackie.  She was one of my sleepers early on and I think she got hosed in her two-on-one with Tierra.  I think the other gals liked her, and this could be the Tierra conversation starter for All Time Q Chris Harrison: [watches "Tierra sucks" montage] "Girls, I'd be hard pressed to find one of you that didn't feel slighted by Tierra this season [pause]  But Jackie [clasps hands slowly], you were the first contestant to go head-to-head with our most controversial contestant EVER.  How was that for you?"

Brendan: We have officially reached the bottom of the barrel with the Jackie pick. I am an admitted lover of all things red-headed, and I like the value pick here. She should have a moment of ganging up with Robyn and Lesley to go after Tierra.

Pick #15, Team 415

Brendan: 415 takes Katie, the yoga instructor from Woodstock, IN. Reason being she's going to have as bad of a hair job as Kacie B and we need someone to make fun of to make ourselves feel better. I'll feed her hippy #vibes and give her the tambourine for our band.

Pick #16, Team 212

Kevin: F it.  Gimme Ashley H because you have the other two Ashley/AshLees. No way she shows up.

I will now exercise my compensatory pick from our blockbuster trade. I select the first (if any) special guest. High bust potential here. I think we had JP and the other Ashley H at a previous "Tell All" right?  I'm just throwing Hail Marys at this stage.

Brendan: Savvy GM move taking your mystery guest pick right there. My guess is it's going to be Sean’s sister Shay. She was on the show to help Sean essentially chuck Tierra, so they could very well have her back to explain her rationale.

Pick #18, Team 415

Brendan: With Ms. Irrelevant, literally and figuratively, we are taking Taryn. I was admittedly pulling for this old bag from day one. Sweet, sensible, dare I say..normal? She just didn't get out there enough in front of the other girls. She had an emotional goodbye for only two nights in the "House-That-Harrison-Built," so maybe some waterworks on the WTA. Or she’s already touring with the cover band/gas tank awareness group “Wilson Fill Ups.”

Kevin: The only thing @liztomania12 wanted me to was draft her GIRL Taryn.  Oops.

Final Rosters:Team 212 - Desiree, Lesley, Kacie B, Selma, Kristy, Amanda, Jackie, Ashley H, Mystery Guest Team 415 - AshLee, Tierra, Sarah, Daniella, Robyn, Ashley P, Leslie, Katie, Taryn

Be sure to tune in next week when the 415 pod covers the semi-finals in Thailand and their team's performance on the WTA. The following week, the pod returns to an undisclosed location in Gotham to put a bow on Sean's season and discuss the finale, After the Final Rose, and their half of the WTA.