"The Bachelor" Week 5 Power Rankings

You get the sense that this isnt the first time Sean has worn chill board shorts with snow boots, don't you?

By Kevin (@kpluswax)

After last week's action-packed double episode, and with hometown dates just 2 weeks away, we corralled an expert panel of 5 judges to provide their current power rankings on this, the 17th season of "The Bachelor".  Using advanced big data/Moneyballish analytics (read: simple averages), we calculated our proprietary Section 925 Composite Power Rankings (#Sec925CPR).  Each judge was asked to rank the gals using arbitrary criteria.  (Note: judges' rankings are in parentheses next to their names)

The Judges:

  • Kelly (@kellyliz1321): Gets hair did by Dez's bestie
  • Liz (@Liztomania12): 925 native, Section 925 pod guest, Ph.D in Fashion Analysis from Syracuse University. Currently resides in NYC
  • Josh (@jphunsucker): 925 native, law student, hardcore Bach fan, #49erFaithful
  • Andy (@brewery33): Law student, part-time-micro-brewer, full-time Bachelor conspiracy theorist, voice of reason
  • Kevin (@kpluswax): 925 native, does pods sometimes...or whatever

The Rankings...

1) Lesley

Leslie is really starting to fall for traveling all around the world for free with a bunch of new frien...., er, Sean.  She's falling for Sean.

Lesley is really starting to fall for 

traveling all around the world for free with a bunch of new friends

 Sean. She's definitely falling for Sean.

Kevin (2): Tough facade but might just be, dare I say, falling for this guy.  I maintain that she will have a tough time when claws start to come out.

Josh (2): Clowny make-up aside, she had just enough clinginess during the Arctic Splash group date to make me feel weirded-out, but confident since she got a rose.  Strong move by dropping "I think I'm falling for you."

Andy (2): Don't sleep on a girl that is strategic and conniving for a living.  I feel like she will go the way of Bush's reputation by instigating the whole War on Tierra-ism.  Tierra is a weapon of massive relationship destruction (WMRD), but who cares.  Don't be a hero, Lesley.  Stick to policy and the policy is [edit: "make out with"] The Factory Girl.

Kelly (1): She. Could. Go. All. The. Way. Like seriously, fantasy suite style.  But I think she gets the gold.

Liz (2):  Long Kiss Short Dress holding her own w/o talking ish to Sean about the other girls (Desiree's kryptonight last episode, more on that on the pod next week).  I also think she has the political 'Marathon-not-a-sprint' strategy wherein she will conceal her crazy down the homestretch.

2) Desiree

Teaming with Dez is apparently a kiss of death.  #DezKOD

Kevin (1):  Dez is in the driver’s seat.  Absolutely owns Sean.  There have to be skeletons lurking in hometowns, right?  Right?

Josh (1): Three power moves last week: 1) Tree climbing; 2) Opening up in the TeePee; and 3) This first "fill in the blank is like a relationship" quote of the season after rappelling down the mountain.

Andy (1): Is The Factory Girl old enough to remember Dawson and Joey?  Doesn't he know how the girl/buddy turns out?  She fucks Pacey.  Run now, Factory Girl.  A dark side of my superego wants her to make to Hometowns so that we can experience the first "poor" family on the show and a look inside of either her family trailer, or (fingers crossed) a tent.

Kelly (5): The reason is simple: I like her. She seems real and I wish better things for her than to have to have an ugly cry on national television after she is sent packing on a date somewhere learning how to play a steel pan.

Liz (3):  Gonna make a strong run for a metal - and still my best outfit of the season in the floor-length, red lace on the premiere - but just like Ryan Lochte in London, there is some key ingredient missing.  It's just not her time, and dare I say it, she's the eensy-weensy-est bit immature.

3) Tierra

Should everyone in America feel bad about thinking Tiara faked hypothermia?  Yeah.

Kevin (6):  Child please. It's not like she's that hot. I get Courtney. I don't get Tierra.  Here for the wrong reasons. #H4TWR.

Josh (4):  Trending down.  I think she stumbles this week or the next and misses Hometowns.  She is trying to run the "Courtney" gimmick offense but she just isn't as skilled as the Female Black Mamba aka Bachelor Kobe.

Andy (3):  My personal favorite, but like JP Fresh says, trending down.  My money is on her to go to Hometowns and produce the clingy recovering drug/alcohol boyfriend to challenge The Factory Girl for her hand.  Also, she is the only girl in history of the Bachelor to not only eat on camera, but to do so in consecutive episodes.  Mad respect for that, way to be such a role model.

Kelly (2):  Because why not. He has a penis, right? I predict final 2, leaves him with the note as per in the previews

Liz (6):  Tierrable. Period.

4) Ash..............Lee

The only physical contact Ash......Lee has had with Sean since the 6 Flags date.

Kevin (5):  Outside looking in on hometown dates with 2 weeks remaining.  Try smiling once or twice a week.  The Actually-Homeless Homeless-Man’s-Giselle needs to step up in the charisma department.

Josh (6):  50 shades of HEEEEY. She is too weird (personal organizer, control freak) and just not hot enough to make it to Hometowns.

Andy (5):  Not much to say other than she is "Erin from the Office" fucked in the head.  To much mental baggage.  Get out of here, Sean.

Kelly (4):  Just enough crazy to keep him holding on. Plus he won’t let her go until he can meet her angel adoptive parents. Because he's not a monster.

Liz (1):  Although she disappointed me at the theme park (see inaugural Section 925 Bachelor Pod), she seems to be aware of a lesser known fact that may just be enough to catapult her to Happily Ever After: men love compliments and you've gotta put yourself out there.  She also weirdly seems to have it together (connection to being a professional organizer)

5) Catherine:


Kevin (3):  In my view, best, most authentic, enjoyable, fun date of the season.  Electricity is palpable.  Cat needs to turn up sex appeal/family values to get out of fun/flirt zone.  If I was Sean’s boy in real life (like Arie, for example), I would advise him to think long and hard before chucking this one.

Josh (5):  Best outside shot to get to Hometowns.  I felt like the blizzard date was good but I also feel like that could be producer voodoo.  That being said, Cat is probably the most normal and stable so that does not bode well for her.

Andy (6):  I think everything with her is producer voodoo magic.   She did have a crazy story about a tree falling on a friend, but I don't think that will be enough.  I say she is gone next episode.

Kelly (3):  I think she has the perfect amount of silly with "exotic look."  That being said, he will eventually move back to Dallas and she just wouldn't cut it there.

Liz (4): Sean likes her.  But she is like the person you date in high school because all of a sudden you can drive and go to parties and omigod someone has a fake ID!  And then all of a sudden that has lost its luster and you realize you have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN COMMON

6) Lindsay


Kevin (4):  Sleeper hype last week (Wait, was that just in my own head?  Who cares) was getting a little too bandwagony this week.  Cinderella could be turning into pumpkin.  Need some substance, Substitute.

Josh (3): I am on the bandwagon.  Remember Sean is from Texas and she is from a military family, so we know the USA factor is strong.  I am weary about the “I'm not going to kiss you” scene however.  She needs a strong episode Monday to stay here.

Andy (4):  She is my dark horse.  She has spent no time in the gossip, and is just simple enough to match cognitive level with Sean.  I want to pick her for the win, but I still have reservations.  Fuck it, she is my pick for the win.  She will knock out Dez in the final two with no problem.  By then Dez will be too addled with the mental fortitude it has taken to get this far, and the Substitute hasn't used any mental function, hence she will be as fresh as a spring mornin' (country inflection).

Kelly (6): Ugh, Army Bratz. My feelings on our time in the Army aside, she's a horn dog. And Sean doesn't want to have to deal with the whole "she's my daughter and if you ever hurt I'll cut you with this here bayonet that was issued to me because I'm General Yenter and I'm important" shpeal. All she wants to do is make out and she knows her time is short. Get that lovin' while you can, sista,  you'll be heading back to Leonard Wood soon enough.

Liz (5):  Sean's no rocket scientist but I think he wants his progeny to have at least a couple brain cells between the ears

Dead Last) The Lifeguard

C'mon man!

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