"The New Angel of L.A." - And More Tales From the NFL Draft

(Photo by Jonathan Daniel)

By Charlie Wheary

Seeing as how Thursday was a national holiday, The NFL Draft, I figured I’d give you a quick snapshot of what transpired.  Starting with my man Jared out of UC Berkeley…

You stole my heart last August, Jared and you’ll be stealing it for years to come in the NFC West.  His only alleged knock was small hands, small hands?! This kid has all the intangibles, first and foremost humility.  He’s got a bazooka for an arm, Einstein intellect, and he can run.  I’m still crying the Niners didn’t somehow trade up.

Carson Wentz is a wild card.  I like my quarterbacks facing NFL prototypes and you’re not going to find that in Fargo, North Dakota.  Having said that, he may be able to make the transition, but I’m just not sold.  Who’s ever even been to North Dakota?  Hasn’t Canada annexed them already?  You sort of look left at Mount Rushmore and say, good luck up there guys.  Down here we call them buffalo, not bison.

Joey Bosa at three blew my mind!  Did you see him at the combine?  I nicknamed him Joey Slowsa.  Terrible motor, played around an entire NFL team, beat my Oregon Ducks to a pulp, so I’m not biased at all.  Still, a complete stretch at 3. Good luck in all your future endeavors, San Diego. 

Thank you Dallas!  You glorious morons, for bucking the one rule of the NFL draft:  You never, ever, ever take a running back in the first round.  Everyone had Ezekiel Elliot on their board, and I get it, let’s collectively assemble and make dumb decisions.  It’s like a Donald Trump party!  Sorry, I had to go there.  Loved the ‘Boys giving in and grabbing a running back, it made my day.

Best player and future Hall of Famer: Jalen Ramsey. He gets gifted to JAX at no. 5.  Far and away the most polished and best player of this draft.  The kid flies to the ball and makes plays. Take it to the bank, you’ll be seeing him in Honolulu for years to come.  Love this pick, he’s my favorite behind Goff.

Ronnie Stanley at no. 6 surprised me.  Obviously because of the Tunsil fiasco.  I think this a safety pick for the Ravens.  I’m not sure how much Tunsil smoking something out of a gas mask hurt his chances, but I’m not sold on Stanley.  Slow off the ball and no motivation scares me.

BOOOOYA San Francisco!!!  The Niners never draft a single one of my favorites; finally they changed course.  Deforest Buckner is going to absolutely terrorize Goff, Carson Palmer, and Russell Wilson for years.  Duck fans loved this guy from the get-go, and for good reason.  Trent Baalke, you done well good sir.

Like Jack Conklin a lot at no. 8 to Tennessee.  I preferred him over Stanley and Tunsil.  The most pro-ready and experienced OT.  And no headaches whatsoever.

Leaonard Floyd is probably the guy I’d most want to share a foxhole with.  6′ 6″, 244 lbs, and runs a 4.65 forty.  Pure athlete and should fit in perfectly on the banks of Lake Michigan.

Not sure about the G-Men taking Eli Apple.  I guess Apple in the Big Apple makes sense?  Big stretch, when he was a late first rounder at best.  My sister Deidre may strike me down, but are you kidding me Giants?!!  Bad pick.

Now for a quality pick, that New York should have made, Tampa swoops in and grabs Vernon Hargreaves III.  Gamer, pure gamer.  You get a 4.4 guy to wreak havoc on Cam Newton, Drew Bress, and Matt Ryan.  Big need and Tampa filled it.

Not gonna lie, I have absolutely no idea about Sheldon Rankins going to New Orleans at 14.  Uhh he went to Louisville.  That’s a city in Kentucky and I hear they have good BBQ.  Moving along.

Steal of the draft.  Laremy Tunsil was the #1 pick of the NFL draft one month ago.  This pick reminds me of Randy Moss years ago falling to the Vikings because he inhaled something of questionable influence.  That’s not a character concern in my eyes.  He’s gonna be a stud in the league.

Karl Joseph is tiny.  He runs a 4.55 40, which lineman can run.  And he played in an abysmal Big-12.  Gotta love those Raiders!  Have fun with that one, wait aren’t you guys moving to Vegas?  Bad pick.

Corey Coleman to Cleveland is a wild card in my eyes.  He’s a burner but he’s also only 5’ 11″, which makes me nervous.  If I’m drafting receiver this early, I want speed and height.  But it’s Cleveland, they never really pay attention to logic.

Love Taylor Decker to Detroit.  He’s gigantic, huge wingspan, and now a little comfort for Matt Stafford.  I think he could kill a grizzly bear with his bare hands.  Great pick.

Another bizarre pick goes to Atlanta at 17.  Keanu Neal?  With all the corners and safeties still on the board you’re gonna draft a Keanu?  I can’t stop saying, ‘Utah…gimme 2!’

Colts as they always do, identify a need, adjust accordingly, and draft correctly.  Ryan Kelly is the best center out there and the Colts pulled the trigger.  They’re like the Anti-Raiders, they just do it right, year in year out.

Shaq Lawson, besides having one heck of a name, is up there on my list of quality picks. He’ll fit in perfectly in Buffalo, not just because Rex Ryan’s son plays for Clemson where he scouted him for a year.

Another Buckeye?  Unreal the pro talent Ohio State had this last year.  I’m not sold on Darron Lee though, but apparently the New York Jets are.  Little undersized and slow off the ball.  But what do I know, they killed Oregon in the natty a year ago.

Will Fuller is an interesting pick at 21 for Houston.  I like his hands and speed but not sure how you grab him with Doctson and Treadwell still on the board.  Should complement Deandre Hopkins, but it’s a stretch for me.

Which brings us to my favorite receiver of the draft.  Josh Doctson crushed it at TCU consistently week in and week out.  Best route runner, big hands, perfect guy for Washington.  Desean may have a little company in the capital.

Laquon Treadwell to Minnesota was a given.  Teddy Bridgewater needs a little help on the edge and this is the guy to do it.  I’m a little nervous about the knee injury against Auburn a year ago, but he seems good to go.

William Jackson III seems ready to go for Cincinatti, I just didn’t see much of him playing at Houston.  Another guy I’ve heard nothing but good things about, but know nothing.

The Pittsburgh Steelers grabbing Artie Burns at 25 was a steal.  Besides football, he ran track, the hurdles mind you.  Pure speed and complete athlete.  The knock is he’s got raw talent, but you can figure that out pretty quick in the Steel City.  You can’t teach speed.

The Broncos trading up for Paxton Lynch made sense, but again, I don’t dig quarterbacks from small schools.  Memphis did play some quality opponents, but it’s not the Pac-12 over SEC.  Good BBQ, mediocre competition.

Not to sure how Myles Jack is still on the board especially with the Packers drafting his teammate Kenny Clark at 27.  I think this is another safe, no worries pick.  I hate that style of drafting, but the Packers always know what they’re doing.

I’m still shaking my head at the Niners trading up to take a guard who they could have nabbed in the third round.  Remember all those kind words from earlier Trent Baalke, off the table!!!  Moronic trade and just a friendly reminder how much we despise the Niner’s front office.

I love Nkemdiche more than you know, and it is going to be painful having to gameplan his attack for my Niners. Absolute stud, hall of fame game.  Arizona just got a blank check from the rest of the NFC to book the conference.

Vernon Butler sounds like he should be a waiter at a steakhouse.  I’m not sure about his game, being a Louisiana Tech guy.  But do the Panthers really need any more help?That team is vengeful after that Super Bowl loss.

Seattle trades down and grabs the better guard that San Francisco passed on.  Germain Ifedi is 74 feet tall and 19,000 pounds of pure anger.  Just google a picture of him, it looks like he’d punt you 200 yards if he wanted to, nice work on passing on him SF.  SMH, SMH, SMH, Baalke!!!

So that’s your first round sports fans.  More fun tomorrow!

Roll Tide.

A Bay Area native, Charlie Wheary owns and operates the blog  "The Rolling Tide." Wheary is best known for playing wideout for Kenny Dorsey in high school, circa 2000.